Too Much Sun

There’s never been a sales year like 2008. So much compressed into so little time. I’m knackered.

Let’s have a bit of fun and start compiling a glossary of sales terms. You know, the sort of things you hear coming from the auctioneers’ rostrum or even out of the mouths of vendors. Your contributions are welcome as long as they are wholesome. Let’s start with a few of my favourites:

“a discerning buyer” - someone running amok with another man’s chequebook.
‘‘just close your catalogues buyers and look at the horse in the ring” – there’s nothing on the bloody page anyway.
“you’ve got one of the bargains of the sale” – it’s the biggest crock. You’re the only mug who doesn’t know.
"just take him home and feed him up and he'll grow into money" - he looks like he's got terminal cancer.
“there’s no better time to be investing in bloodstock” – I need to eat.
“a great judge is on it” – you wouldn’t know faeces from clay but the other guy does, so have another bid.
“a great judge is on it” – someone with a reckless disregard for his client's money
“a likeable horse” – has four legs, a head and a tail.
“I can tell you, the xrays are clean” – you look too miserable to spend $250 checking them anyway.
“he’s my favourite horse in the whole draft” – one bid and he’s yours.
"this is the nicest horse we've ever brought to the sale" - the one you bought last year was crap.
“I thought he’d make his $80 - $100,000” – this vendor needs certifying.
“they averaged $200,000 at the yearling sales, buyers” – one made $380,000, the other $20,000.
“I thought this was one of the colts of the offering” – never actually seen it, but the vendor’s my brother-in-law.
“one of the finest-looking yearlings we’ve had through today” – bid up you mugs, I own it.
“I look forward to re-selling that one for you at the yearling sales next year” – the moment it walks out of the ring I will give you no guarantee whatsoever it will get in.
“they’ve gone to all the best stables” – be a miracle if they can win a race.
“the mare’s got a cracking good foal at home” – in the pit, it died in January.
“she got in foal on one cover” – after 10 irrigations and $5,000 on drugs.
“he’s got some great foals in his first crop” – another deluded optimist.
“thank you Mr Hyundaiflatscreen, she’ll be a great asset up in Korea” – chop suey
“they bring a great draft every year” – but never sell a winner.
“it’s beautifully presented, buyers” – amazing what a downpour of rain can do on the way to the ring.
"Out the gate!" - welcome to Camden.
“it’s great to see you here, sir” – bloody hell, we paid his airfare, put him up at the hotel, and supplied an escort.
"look at the power in the hindquarters on that colt” – so what if the xrays are unreadable?
“it’s your client, Satomi” – I just love saying your name.
“the reserve is $100,000. Take him now before he goes out the ring” – I’m a ventriloquist’s dummy.
"we can't take that, the vendor thinks a lot more of him" - the vendor is on drugs.
"we're not far away but I'm going to have to pass him by I'm sorry" - thanks, I've just spent five minutes practising.
"stick with me, I'll buy you a horse" - stick with me, I'll sell you a horse.
“thank you for your competition, underbidder” – otherwise known as Casper The Ghost.
“no, that’s not your bid in front, the bid’s way out back” – I’ll run you up if it’s the last thing I do.
“they sold so well at the yearling sales” – not true, but you’re all too drunk to remember anyway.
“we’ll deal with you privately on that one” – was that a bat in the rafters bidding on that horse?

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Who is the champion gum-chewer at the horse sales?

Doing the sales must be a very stressful pastime.

John O’Shea is probably the trainers’ champion. He chews a mean gum.

There are several contenders amongst the sales groupies.

Angus Gold has the most finely developed bilateral superficial Masseter muscles on the grounds. Almost looks like John McCain.

Grant Pritchard-Gordon can give the chicle a hammering, too.

But I reckon the winner is a young chap whose name I don’t know who was working as an Inglis intern around yearling sale time. A blond Fabio-lookalike. He had the distinction of non-stop chewing but with his mouth open.